Mr. Please Don’t Fix It

Today was beautiful. The sun gleamed on the day with yellow light, and a fresh scent was in the air. I even had the windows open in my car, such a gorgeous day to be alive and breathing. My cousin and his wife are moving to a house in the suburbs, and I decided I’m going to give them two paintings for their new home.

 

I went to Hobby Lobby for frame ideas, they have such beautiful samples, and I picked out some beauties to compare for my paintings. I am very excited to spend more time with my cousin and his wife, as well as their two dogs. I have a new idea to add to one of the frames, so I decided to postpone Hobby Lobby and head to Craftwood Lumber and Hardware.

 

My inner high school self appeared as the main act in aisle six. I collected a bad boy vibe from a handsome, young fella, his name was Dave. I actually don’t know his true name, but let’s just call him Dave. Dave was at least eighteen because his left wrist had a play button tattoo, along with a stop button, and a pause button, which I had to use before I would tell him way too much about myself. It also had two more buttons, fast forward, and rewind which reminded me to stay present and not jump ahead, or into the past. I definitely am not eighteen; I hope he was much older, I sound so creepy! People love to tell me I look like I am still in college, and my ego says, “No, Veronica! Just tell them you’re an independent woman who has her entire life together.” Yay me. Let’s get back to Dave. He was about 5’9, slender build, and his swift black hair had a woosh. When I look up the word woosh on www.dictionary.com, as a verb it states, “Move or cause to move quickly or suddenly with a rushing sound.” That is definitely Dave’s hair; it was kind of like Johnny Bravo’s hair, just super black, I liked it.

 

He said to me, “You look like a creative girl.” I had both paintings in my hands, and said, “I am, thank you for noticing.” Can someone please slap me? When Dave was helping me, he made a crafty suggestion which was to weld on materials to the canvas. The artist in me made sure Dave explained every detail so I could understand his way without a frame. I gathered the supplies with him, and walked to checkout trying not to stare into his jeans as I followed him. As I was pulling out my wallet, I put two and two together, (it equals four when you use addition) because I do not know how to weld, and on our way to the register, he was saying he did. Well buddy, too bad you didn’t offer to help me; it would have been so cool, dare I ask you?

 

My day happened in chronological order exactly how it was meant to. I almost made a return at the grocery store first, only I would accidently purchase fifty dollar roast beef for my family.

 

I am sitting at a high top table in Starbucks asking myself, “Should I be writing this?” I just cannot seem to laugh in this moment.” Well, of course, Veronica, when your Higher Power gives you material, you must laugh at yourself, after all, you love to blog in a funny fashion. I will laugh later, I am so embarrassed right now. UPDATE: It took me two whole minutes, and I am now laughing at myself in Starbucks, I almost spit out my Venti Iced Green Tea with two shots of vanilla, oy!

 

When I am single and ready to mingle, my inner whore jumps out. Thank God for modesty, and focusing on becoming a better person with new and improved morals and values.

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Practice What You Preach

Gratitude simply comes to mind when I think of all of the positives in my life. I am generally a very happy, positive person, and I absolutely adore that that is how I am in sobriety. I make a sincere choice to invite my Higher Power into my life for the day, and every single damn time I do that, I have a wonderful day.

 

I love going to the movies with my grandma whom always says to me, “It’s such a treat!”, and most recently, we saw Lady Bird as well as The Greatest Showman. My cousin came with also, and the three of us dwelled in the happiness of the day. If you haven’t seen either, both, or haven’t been to the movies lately, go! The Greatest Showman was phenomenal, and I would see it again. There was a scene in Lady Bird that stuck out to me when they were in church on Ash Wednesday.

 

The priest put ashes on the students’ foreheads at the Catholic church while they were in line and said to them, “You are dust, you are nothing.” I was amazed. That is how I feel with a Higher Power, I can be dust! Since that movie, I (A nice Jewish girl from the suburbs) have never heard such a beautiful sentence that defines a God of my understanding and myself; it was fascinating.

 

May I just ask, what is a pew? Church at the pew? Is it bad that my head goes, “Pew, Pew, Pew!”? I’ll answer my own question, yes, Veronica it is. I definitely am one-hundred percent Jewish. I could go into how us Jews were enslaved in the land of Egypt, but I will choose to spare ye. Also, my dear friends, just because I am Jewish means I still have no clue as to why others keep Kosher. Also, also, please search Wikipedia for all of the Jewish holidays, or just watch Rugrats, when I explain the Jewish holidays, my information is normally incorrect.

 

I know, I know, you see the words Higher Power, God, understanding, a church reference, and the word Jewish. I am not here to persuade you, the viewer of my blog post of any religious beliefs; I am a spiritual dustlette.

 

When I view the world, I have an unimaginable, indescribable way of perspective that is magnificent, and the awareness I have today, I wouldn’t ever trade. I only have one life to live, so I’m going to make it count. I could say to you, “Yeah, I’m sober”, and sound upset. I could also say to you, “Yes, I am sober”, and my face will light up as I discuss how I would love to help you by being a good example so you can experience the exact same gift that I am meant to share with you.

 

I am grateful for choices today; I can choose to make the best out of the situation in front of me, or pout; it’s such a simple choice for me to smile.

I cannot control you, and I have ever so gratefully learned that you cannot control me. I cannot choose my family, (thank God because they are my rocks) but I can choose my surroundings. Love and tolerance goes a long way for me. I haven’t actually lived until I found sobriety, I was a structure of atoms and molecules. Today, I can be a mighty mountain and surpass any given storm with grace and a purpose.

 

I alone cannot stay or keep myself sober, and one day at a time, it is a choice to accept this gift beyond description, and give it my all on a daily basis. I keep surprising myself in every situation that merges with me, and I keep reminding myself that this is not me, this is my Higher Power; He wants me to be happy, and give my happiness to you. I’ve been told more than once, “Veronica, you are a ray of sunshine.” One of my favorite quotes is, Stay Close To People Who Feel Like Sunshine. Simple enough.

 

I love writing in the middle of Barnes & Noble in the middle of the day listening to Pandora; my brain must remain stimulated. I could care less if people give me “the look” when I start laughing at my own jokes while I write; I’m a funny person, I can’t help it! Trust me, I have tried; this is me, take it or leave it. I was in line at the café of Barnes & Noble, and I must say that I now make a conscious effort on sampling a new Starbucks drink; I’ve been missing out, today’s choice is a delicious Green Tea Latte. I dropped a dime, heads up, and I didn’t want to pick it up, I chose to leave it there. The lady behind me, who was impatiently tapping her credit card way too close to me, (I am a fan of personal space) said, “You dropped your dime, honey.” I said, “Thank you, it’s a lucky dime and I’d like to leave it there.” She asked, “Can I have it?” I said, “Sure.” She bent down, picked it up, and asked me, “Are you sure you don’t want your dime?” I replied, “It would be wrong of me to change my mind, please keep it.” Moments like those help me to realize that Karma will come around for me, and the more good I do, the more good I will get.

 

There is a light within my soul that when properly nurtured will reminisce with happiness and love for myself, and for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to succeed in every way, shape, form, and spirit because I love you. My heart is a puzzle, and my fellows are the pieces. May your day be filled with light, love, and blessings beyond your wildest dreams. There is good in all of us, it is a choice to express it.

God Grant Me You

The concept of a Higher Power consistently arises in literature, fellowship, and as a part of the recovery process. The idea of God definitely creates a spark of fear. “Who cares to admit complete defeat”, is the very first line in one recovery book, yet is a super crucial personal reminder. I am powerless over the first drink because if I choose to take even a sip of alcohol, the phenomenon of craving will kick in, and I will not be able to stop; I am an alcoholic after all.

A chapter states, “We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of and allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker.” There is so much depth to this one sentence. Today, I can understand that I simply cannot take one drink because a powerful craving beyond my control will kick in, and I am allergic to alcohol. Even when I had my first drink, I was as red as a tomato, and my college roommate asked me if I was allergic to alcohol. Of course I said no, how else would I find such a wonderful 12-Step Program?

In my opinion, the average temperate drinker does not obsess over alcohol, over the first drink, and can easily move along with their drinking pleasures, relax, or stop mid-glass. When I look back on how I drank alcohol, I would chug it or quickly sip an insanely large glass, finish it in about ten minutes, and would pridefully say, “Let’s do it again.” There was absolutely no thought of, “Maybe I should take a break.” There was definitely no thought of, “I feel sick, and I should just stop.” As I am told in the rooms, (in a we program) I have a thinking disease, which is personally the best thing anyone could ever tell me because I understand myself better, and I do not feel so alone anymore. I could be in a room crowded with magnificent company, heck, Madonna could hit a note so high in a diamond studded dress, and I would be stuck in Veronica’s Wonderful Head Land which is honestly not so wonderful.

This is where a concept of a Higher Power wandered into my life. I thought my thoughts were my friends, when ultimately I learned I can be my worst enemy & best friend at the same time; isn’t that a scary idea? I learned that the grace of God can carry me at my worst, my best, and in-between, and I can make it one day at a time. I enjoy opening up about a power greater than myself because I’m powerless over alcohol meaning that I am nothing without my Higher Power. Today, I choose to call my Higher Power, God, which took time, but is definitely worth it, especially as I continue to work the steps into my life.

With the help of a sponsor, we decided that the date of my last drink was November 19th, 2016. This is never a guaranteed sober celebratory date for me, and if I choose to hit my pillow, and fall asleep sober, it was a great day today. However, I am learning how to look back and not stare into where I was this time last year, and the fact that I was sober does help me today. Since November 19th, 2016, I feel comfortable saying my idea of a Higher Power has shaped into a concept that I can understand, can learn from, listen to, confide in, and guide me. I could not even form a complete sentence when I first came into the rooms, so if a recovery blog with big words isn’t a God given miracle, what is?

The process of recovery has allowed me to welcome change into my life today, and accept it much quicker. If I am having a marvelous hair day, wearing a nice sundress, have a bit of makeup on, and a wide smile, I may still be going through a storm from hell on the inside, and unless I utter a sentence on how I am doing that fine day, you just won’t know.

Page 60-61 of a recovery book quotes, “Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.” I am capable of portraying this actor if I do not surrender to my Higher Power Daily; character defects can be a doozy.

Today, living life with a Higher Power riding shotgun is how I choose to live. I need guidance to further myself, to keep growing, and to keep changing. Learning to live sober is honestly the best decision I have ever made for myself, and I plan on trudging one day at a time.

The Little Klutz That Could Do Yoga

I’ve always been an off-balanced human being with the agility of a baby elephant whose ears are way too big for it’s face, that runs caught off guard by a bird, trips, & falls. I try with all my might to balance on one foot, and lift the other foot off the ground. After multiple attempts, I get frustrated, tug on the ear opposite of the leg I’m holding, then fall over because I was overthinking the entire situation.

I have tried to do yoga in the past, but I always became impatient with myself. To all the people who are afraid of farting in yoga, trust me, I have smelled that. I can empathize with you in the hopes of trying to not be the person in that very same class who falls, and the entire room shakes from a loud thud.

I take care of my yoga gear. I do not have money to purchase expensive yoga gear to participate in an hour-long class, sweat like a pig, and leave the class wondering how soon I can shower. I still dress in quality yoga clothes, but they are way more tattered and not as trendy; they work for me. Although, if I may say, it is quite the struggle to have two melons that swing like monkeys in a tree hanging from your chest when you are trying to chaturanga; thank God for sports bras.

When I walk into a yoga room, an overwhelming feel of Zen comes over me, and I know I am exactly where I need to be. I gather my yoga materials, such as a strap, blocks, and sometimes weights. As I choose a spot for my yoga mat, I look around the room and ponder how grateful I am to have a body that can do yoga. If I push myself hard in my yoga classes, I see how capable I am of doing such a wonderful workout for myself, and I do exercises that I never thought I could do. The stress and anger within leaves for enough time for me to gather myself in a meditative state, follow the instructor, and have clear head space for about an hour.

Since November 19th, 2016, I have not had alcohol, and I am in a 12 Step Program. When I do yoga today, I can see how I was when I used to do yoga, and I learn from myself one day at a time how to be a better yogi. I also lost thirty-five pounds in the past year, and see the physical change; I can do so much more activity when I’m clear & sober, and much lighter than I was in the past.

I understand that many people either don’t like yoga, or understand it, so I kindly urge you to give it a try. It is worthwhile to feel sore from a workout dedicated to self, using your body and a few simple tools. Healing is a process, but learning to be kind to your body and mind is a privilege. Namaste!